NASHVILLE, TN — Trans activists have descended on Tennessee's state capital today, proclaiming that drag shows in front of small children don't even happen, and also that they will burn the statehouse to the ground if lawmakers attempt to ban the practice.
"Be warned, Republicans, we will murder you all and destroy this entire building if you attempt to restrict our right to dance in drag in front of kids," said community organizer Sugga Spanx, (she/them). "Uh... not that that's happening or anything. Gross. Stop making up stuff that doesn't even happen, you sickos!"
Experts have confirmed that drag in front of kids has never happened and will never happen, and agree that Republicans are simply trying to gin up fear and resentment of trans people. "We're not sure where this came from!" said expert and part-time drag performer Damien Abaddon as a 5-year-old stuffed a $20 bill in his g-string. "Why all this Republican obsession with kids? Pretty creepy, if you ask me!"
At publishing time, the activists also confirmed that trans surgery on minors is not happening and they will bathe the entire country in blood if anyone tries to ban it.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
