WASHINGTON, D.C. — Many are praising President Biden for his swift and decisive leadership this morning. In a set of forceful and clear remarks to the country's financial system, he called on all banks to stop collapsing immediately.

"Hey there, banks! Yeah, you! Stop it! I mean it! Not a joke!" said the President to a smiley face written on his thumb in Sharpie he mistook for one of his nieces. "You've collapsed long enough! I say, no more! That's enough, banks! Cut it out right now, or so help me I'll count to ten!"

The President then attempted to count to ten but got lost somewhere around the number four when he became distracted by the smiling face on his thumb and began sniffing it. "Oohh honey I like your shampoo! What was I saying again?"

Mainstream media, politicians, and Wall Street bankers all joined the call for banks to stop collapsing and vowed to never hold anyone accountable for any of this if it's the last thing they do.

At publishing time, the banks had still not heeded the President's command.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.