WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid the monumental collapse of several banks over the last few days and broader fears that the banking system is no longer safe, President Biden made a statement to assure Americans that all their bank deposits are perfectly safe in Ukraine.
"Folks don't worry. Due to the decisive actions of this administration, everyone's money is safe in Ukraine," said Biden. "I withdrew all the money and shipped it over there last night myself! My son Hunter personally supervised the transfer! That's leadership! I'm sure the Ukrainians will put your money to good use by buying bazookas and paying the pensions of government officials. I will take no questions at this time."
Biden then did an about-face and spent 15 minutes trying to walk out of the room as he couldn't find the door.
Americans are being assured to wait until the war in Ukraine is over and they pay us back before making any large withdrawals.
At publishing time, 12 more banks had collapsed during Biden's speech.
DOGE is here, and Elon and Vivek will eliminate millions of government positions