MANHATTAN, NY — After being alerted to a possible indictment of former President Trump, law enforcement scrambled to try to find handcuffs big enough to fit his unbelievably massive hands.
"We‘ve got nothing, chief," said Officer Rodney Campbell. "These XL cuffs won't even come close!"
Trump shocked the country by announcing his imminent arrest, giving police a mere three days to find cuffs able to hold his gorilla hands. "This is so embarrassing," said Manhattan Police Chief Dave Smalls. "I would need cuffs the size of hula hoops to fit Trump's gargantuan mitts. I'm going to be out there arresting the former President with an old rope unless my kid's shop class can come through for us."
Mr. Trump has admitted to confidantes that he is "very excited" at the possibility of being arrested. "It would be the best, most beautiful mug shot the world has ever seen," said Trump. "Those losers have no chance, I mean zero, of getting their sissy baby cuffs around these hands, believe me. It's going to be hilarious, be sure to tune in on Tuesday!"
At publishing time, Chief Campbell had reportedly attempted to call Trump to see if he would be on board for doing invisible handcuffs like other politicians do.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: