U.S. — The DOJ has announced a brilliant new plan to get Trump elected President in 2024.
"I will stop at absolutely nothing to put Trump back in the White House where he belongs," said Attorney General Merrick Garland. "I'm about to charge up his base like you've never seen!"
Garland had carefully waited until the moment he could give Trump the biggest political boost to push forward with an indictment. "Check and mate, libs," laughed the Attorney General as he pulled on a MAGA hat. "I've already put in my request to be Trump's Transportation Secretary, I hear it's super easy. 2024, here we come!"
"The optics of Democrats indicting, even handcuffing Trump on charges that have no chance of sticking - what more could the Trump campaign ask for?" said MSNBC's Rachel Maddow. "Garland might be the most brilliant Republican strategist this century. He's playing chess while the rest of us are out here playing checkers."
At publishing time, Governor Ron DeSantis was wondering what sort of crime he needed to be indicted for to keep pace with Trump.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
