Lauren Boebert Decides She Won't Go To Heaven After Hearing There Are No Guns There
Politics · Feb 7, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

PUEBLO, CO — In a stunning reversal, Congresswoman Lauren Boebert of Colorado has reportedly decided not to spend eternity in Heaven after finding out there won't be firearms there. The lawmaker made her choice following a disappointing conversation with her pastor.

"It just doesn't seem right to me that there won't be any guns there," Boebert said grimly. "Heaven is supposed to be a place where everything is perfect, right? How could any place be called ‘Paradise' if you can't go pop off a few rounds whenever you feel like it?"

Boebert's pastor hoped to convince her to reconsider her choice. "I really hope Lauren takes some time to think about this because it truly is a decision that lasts for all eternity," said Pastor Doug Reed of First Tactical Church of God in Pueblo. "A lot of us love guns and we take the Second Amendment very seriously…but I think spending eternity in the presence of God and living forever in awe of His glory is a little bit better than shooting beer cans on the weekends."

The discussion reportedly began after Boebert asked her pastor if she would be allowed to open carry her Glock pistol in Heaven. When told there really won't be any need for guns in Heaven, Boebert reconsidered her stance on the afterlife.

At publishing time, while Boebert was not comfortable with the idea of spending eternity in Hell, she was confident that she would be more than prepared to totally destroy any potential threats she may face there in a hail of hot lead.


It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.

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