WASHINGTON, D.C. - With the pandemic still ongoing, the White House has been on the alert for anything that might cause resistance to the vaccine mandates. And they just realized that there was a constant anti-vax sentiment right under their noses: the national anthem.
The last line of "The Star-Spangled Banner" is "O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave," implying that the U.S. is a place where people are free to make their own choices and aren't motivated by fear - pretty much a call to ignore the government during a pandemic.
"So basically, at the beginning of every sporting event, people are being told they don't have to do what the government tells them," White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki told reporters. "That has to end now."
Biden has signed an executive order changing the last line to "O'er the land of the pliant, and the home of the 'fraid."
"It messes up the meter a little bit," Psaki said, "but we have to make sacrifices so we can get to a 100% vaccination rate so we can then focus on getting absolutely everyone to do the next thing we've decided you need to do for the pandemic."
The White House is also reportedly considering replacing the Pledge of Allegiance with a pledge to science, but Democrats are afraid that might come off as anti-trans.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
