LOUDOUN COUNTY, VA—In an attempt to calm angry parents, 3rd-grade teacher Patricia Merfle of Loudoun County Schools assured everyone that nothing bad is happening to their kids, but no one is allowed to come in and check.
"Yeah you can't come in right now," said Merfle, pointing to a "Do Not Enter" sign on the door. "We're busy learning important stuff about gender, but not bad stuff you would disagree with! Anyway, we need privacy, maybe you can come another time!"
Several angry parents wielding torches and pitchforks began to grow angry and demanded to see their kids.
"You have nothing to worry about!" said Merfle. "We're not teaching them that gender is on a spectrum or that promiscuity is really fun, or that America was built by white supremacists specifically to oppress black people and the only way to achieve justice is to dismantle the whole system or anything! But don't come in and look! It's a bad time right now."
The school superintendent also assured parents everything was fine. "Yeah, we're teaching them things like reading, history... um, what was the other one? Oh yeah—math. All that stuff. Definitely no extreme Leftist indoctrination here, no siree!"
When asked by parents if they could come in and check, he ran inside and called the FBI.
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.