U.S.—Utilizing contextual clues from the verses referencing the "Book of Life" in the Scriptures, Bible scholars have come to an agreement that this extensive list of the redeemed is actually printed on the back of a CVS receipt.
"We couldn't figure out what kind of book would be large enough to contain the names of a great multitude that no one could count," said Dr. Henry Warner, head of New Testament Studies at Wilderbee University. "Then it hit me: a CVS receipt! That must be it!" Dr. Warner and his team scoured ancient documents and concluded that the Book of Life simply had to refer to a receipt from a few products purchased at a CVS Pharmacy location.
"We're thinking the receipt was for one or two items: maybe an overpriced energy drink and one bottle of ibuprofen. Comes out to about $11 and the receipt is around 14,328 miles long---plenty big enough to list all of the elect," he said.
Green activists have praised the move, as using an old CVS receipt for the Book of Life means it won't end up getting tossed out someone's car window, covering an entire medium-sized city with paper.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.