FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Not wanting to be left behind in the race to become the most woke, diverse, inclusive soft drink beverage company in the world, National Beverage Corp's LaCroix division held diversity training this week, telling its employees they need to be more white.
"Listen up, folks -- if we're going to succeed with our customer base, we're really gonna need to turn the whiteness up to 11," said in-house diversity trainer Aiden Mollison. "We're talking khaki cargo shorts, Ford F-150 trucks, awkward dancing, the whole shebang. Oh, and saying things like 'the whole shebang' is also a perfect example of the kind of stuff we're looking for."
The Babylon Bee obtained an exclusive look at the slideshow presentation the anti-racist trainer used, and it included bullet points and action items such as the following:
- Wear Crocs with socks
- Hang three or four Live, Laugh, Love signs around your home
- Drink Starbucks
- Get a black friend and talk a lot about how you have a black friend
- Drink more LaCroix
- Dance poorly
- Apologize when you bump into someone even if it's their fault
- Use lots of essential oils
- Sell lots of essential oils
- Clap off beat
"If we all take these steps, we can increase whiteness in our white spaces and achieve our goal of being as white as possible."