SALT LAKE CITY, UT — A middle school student with a "bad stomach ache" was too sick to attend school this week but felt just well enough to spend hours and hours playing video games.
"Oh man, Mom. I just can't go," said Samuel Barnes to his mother. "My stomach hurts and I have a headache and my back hurts and I'm seeing spots and — oh no — my throat is starting to feel scratchy and I think I'd better not go to school today…oh, can I play Minecraft for a bit? It would make me feel better, I know it".
Samuel's mom Rachel was skeptical of the illness but agreed to the day off on condition that her son get some rest and drink lots of fluids.
"I mean…it's a hard call to make," Rachel told reporters. "On the one hand, he does have a raspy voice and is coughing, on the other hand he did mention yesterday he wanted more time to do something called ‘defeat the Ender Dragon'..."
As of printing time, Samuel was jumping up and down in the basement yelling "Creepers are OP!" making his mom wonder if maybe she'd been duped into letting him stay home under false pretenses.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
