CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard President Claudine Gay has unveiled a brand-new U-boat that will be used by the university's heavyweight rowing team to decimate their competitors.

"Our rowing team is one of the best collegiate teams in the world," said Gay, "but no one will be able to stop us with our new U-boat! Not even the Jews! Wenn die Diplomatie endet, beginnt der Krieg! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Sources were unable to report the remainder of her statement, which was delivered in angry-sounding German.

Harvard's board, comprised of Palestinians, Leftists, and other antisemites, has expressed confidence that Harvard's U-boat fleet will dominate the world of heavyweight rowing, and also be able to wipe out Israel's naval presence in the Mediterranean Sea, affording the people of Palestine the time they need to destroy the Israeli occupiers once and for all.

Hermann Wilhelm Göring, a Harvard spokesperson, praised the superiority of the new submarine. "No Jew can hold out against the Harvard U-boat," he said. "Heil victory, and sink them all!"

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