DALLAS, TX - As he began sending hundreds of offering plates and a large wheelbarrow up and down the aisles of the venue where he was holding a miracle faith service Friday, televangelist Kenneth Copeland reportedly assured the crowd that 100% of the proceeds of the morning's offering would go directly to Kenneth Copeland.

The prosperity gospel preacher took a few moments to clarify that all donations would directly enhance his own astronomical net worth.

"Now, I know that a lot of charlatans have given God's people a bad name in recent years. You never really know what their offerings are going to, amen?" a concerned-looking Copeland reportedly said to the crowd as he prepared to pray for the morning's haul. "Well, I'm here to give you a genuine, Texas-sized, Kenneth Copeland guarantee this morning, that every single dollar bill you give today will go directly into my pocket."

As the crowd murmured in agreement and pulled out their wallets, Copeland bowed his head and prayed for the "morning's loot," that the Lord would bless him and use each and every donation to help him get yet another exotic car, private jet, and luxury mansion in the coming years.