WASHINGTON, D.C. - According to sources in the D.C. area, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh decided to "go ahead and get it over with" and burn his own home down before tonight's protests break out.
"Might as well face it - the sooner this puppy burns down, the sooner I can start rebuilding at an undisclosed location," Kavanaugh said to himself while dousing his home with kerosene, as his family piled into a minivan provided by a federal witness protection program. "At least I'll be sure to do a good job. Those antifa guys can be pretty sloppy."
Kavanaugh walked slowly through the house, carefully applying lighter fluid and other fuels throughout, as he reminisced about all the good times he'd had there and said goodbye to his material possessions. "Goodbye, statue of St. Mary. Goodbye, limited-edition Samuel Adams tap handle. And I'll miss you most of all, MAGA hat."
"Sometimes, when you want something done right, you just have to do it yourself," he added as he put the finishing touches on the home before throwing a match and walking away.
At publishing time, Kavanaugh had been seen taking a few family heirlooms from his home and getting into the van with his family - items such as a baseball glove passed down from his father, his high school yearbook, and a St. Pauli Girl neon sign.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
