NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Kanye West has promised free Chick-fil-A for every American if elected president this November.
"If you vote for me, you're gonna have that delicious number one with the lemonade," he said as he held up a bag of takeout from the popular chicken sandwich restaurant. "It's so good, for real." He then opened the bag of Chick-fil-A, sat down on the stage, and ate the entire meal.
After wiping up the mess he made with the Chick-fil-A sauce, he continued: "All these other candidates are offering free healthcare, free college, free whatever -- but I know what you guys really want, because I'm in touch with the common man."
"IT'S EVERYBODY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY ALL DAY LONG, Y'AAAAAALL!!!"
Backup dancers then came on stage and shot Chick-fil-A sandwiches over the crowd with T-shirt cannons. "Make it raaaaaaain!" West shouted as people screamed in delight.
West's poll numbers immediately skyrocketed after the announcement. He currently is projected to win 98% of the popular vote, with Donald Trump winning 2% and Biden not surviving until Election Day.