Well, folks, unless you live in Communist countries like China or California, you can probably go back to church now. Playing hooky was fun while it lasted, but it's time to get out of our pajamas and head back into church. But the deadly coronavirus is out there. We won't have to worry about dying once it's gone, but as long as it's still here, we need to put safety over other, lesser things like liberty, life, property, and worship.
So here are ten great ways to stay safe when you go back to church:
1) Avoid sticking your entire face into the communion goblet. We recommend using separate straws for each person.
2) Replace side hugs with more sanitary air hugs. More sanitary AND holier.
3) Make sure your kids don't eat the frosting off the donuts and then put them back. Kids are known to do this, but wait until the pandemic is over.
4) Wear pants. This one's easy to forget after months on lockdown. Especially important if you're the pastor.
5) Start talking about weird end times prophecies and Bible codes. If someone is getting too close to you, start talking about your theory of who the antichrist is based on seventeen random numbers you found in the book of, well, Numbers. Works every time.
6) When asked how you're doing during this unprecedented time of turmoil, just say "fine." Extended small talk is dangerous for your body and your soul.
7) Lysol-spray the church greeters in the face. "Hi, welcome to North Point Comm--AGHHHH!!!!!"
8) Check if there are any state ordinances against singing. If so, sing louder. Maybe your governor's heart will grow three sizes as he hears you little Whos singing down in Whoville.
9) Reserve the pew seats around you using the time-honored method of setting church bulletins on them. No one can sit near you if there are church bulletins scattered about. That's the rule. It's in the Bible.
10) If the worship leader tells you to greet those around you, shout, "YOU WANT GRANDMA TO DIE!" Honestly, you should just be doing this even when there's no pandemic.
What about you, Bee subscribers? What are your favorite ways to stay safe at church? If you're not a Bee subscriber, you can't even see the comments. We're probably talking about you and laughing at you, ya freeloading chump.
Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee
After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.