WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President Kamala Harris unveiled her new campaign platform: a one-page document that simply says "We must seize the means of production and execute the Bourgeoisie."

"The proletariat must rise!" Harris shouted in front of a backdrop of a large hammer and sickle flag with armed militants flanking her side. "In order to preserve the rights of the working class the government must seize the means of production and murder all capitalist pigs!"

Harris announced her new platform after pitching a few new economic policies this week that included price caps for food, centralizing economic power, condemning capitalism, and calling for the arrest of all bourgeoise scum.

"We must abolish private ownership for the collective good!" Harris shouted. "To each according to his need, from each according to his ability! Long live the Proletariat! Equal outcomes for equal work!"

At publishing time, Kamala had also announced plans to convert the Mall of America into a labor camp.

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