CALEXICO, CA — Border Czarina Suprémè Kamala Harris has just announced that she will be implementing a new national security measure at the southern border checkpoints: a Murderers-Only Express Lane just for illegal immigrants who have been convicted of killing two or more people.
Sources within Kamala's administration say that the measure is meant to help reduce processing times at the border by not making murderers wait quite as long in line.
"We're really just hoping to provide an equitable entrance for these Democrat vot — I mean, honored guests of the United States," said Gayle Quimble, aide to Harris. "The new Murderers-Only lane will hopefully allow us to sort out the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. There are getting to be so many murderers, it's just clogging up the system."
Kamala Harris commented briefly on the situation, saying that she had no connection to the situation and that the country can't take four more years of this.
"When I am in office, from day one I will holistically be undoing the holistic mistakes of the current administration," said the Vice President of the current administration. "Holistically speaking, I have never been the Border Czar holistically, in a holistic sense, but I will solve the Border in a very quick yet holistic way. Holistic."
At publishing time, Kamala had also instructed border patrol agents to add lanes for Venezuelan gangs as it was getting too busy to process them all.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
