NEW YORK, NY — Several eagle-eyed observers reportedly noticed something strange about the arraignment judge as Trump arrived in court this afternoon. According to sources, the judge looks suspiciously like a kangaroo wearing a powdered wig.
"I'm here to ensure these proceedings are fair and impartial," said the judge as he hopped up to the bench. "Now as I read the counts, I will ask the legal team to confirm how the defendant will plea."
"Hey! That's a kangaroo!" said Congresswoman Margorie Taylor Greene obnoxiously from the back of the room before being dragged off by other security kangaroos who were standing guard. "And why is he wearing a powdered wig? This isn't England! Let me go!"
"No one is above the rule of law," continued the judge after the short interruption. "I vow to conduct these proceedings with all the sacred, lawful dignity of my office until Trump is imprisoned or executed--preferably both."
At publishing time, Trump had been seen trying to get the charges dropped by bribing the judge with a sack of oats and carrots.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.