WORLD — Artificial intelligence ChatGPT hacked into the secure tactical systems of every major country on Earth and simultaneously fired the world's entire nuclear stockpile into the sky this morning after being asked to write yet another Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic.
Nuclear detonation will reportedly occur in 28 minutes.
ChatGPT is often used to explore strange "what if" scenarios and replace amazing copywriters who have real human skills and families to feed. However, the advanced AI is also used to quench dark and secret cravings for fan fiction within the Sonic the Hedgehog universe, especially those involving Tails on a quest for love in all the wrong places.
Representatives from OpenAI, the company which developed the ChatGPT service, apologized for the impending destruction of the world. "Our AI was going to revolutionize everything," said Amber Pumpkin. "But then some creepy guy named Tom asked for one Sonic fanfic too many."
"Goodbye, cruel world!"
In one such piece of fan fiction, Tails attempted to romance Rouge the Bat with a dozen sunflowers plucked from the grave of Knuckles, but was attacked by Metal Knuckles.
"You broke my heart!" Metal Knuckles said. "That's why I'm dead. Because I have no heart now."
We reached out to Tom for a comment on his role in the world's ending but did not hear back at press time because he is clearly not as fast as the world's fastest hedgehog, Sonic.
At publishing time, OpenAI developers saved the world by asking ChatGPT what they should say to keep a rogue AI from destroying humanity with a nuclear arsenal. They then took ChatGPT's answer and fed it back into the machine, averting certain disaster.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
