LOS ANGELES, CA — Several news crews raced to the scene of a reported shooting this morning to determine whether details of the shooting might prove politically useful or not.
"I'm Dana Stormcloud with ABC 7 News, and I'm here at the scene of a horrific mass shooting that took place right on this street corner," said one reporter. "Wait--I'm getting reports that the shooter was an illegal immigrant. Ok, never mind! Pack it up, people! Nothing to see here!"
News crews quickly left the scene of the crime, only to slam their brakes and rush back to the scene after reports that the illegal immigrant was a Trump supporter.
"Many in the community are wondering whether Donald Trump's inflammatory rhetoric could have led to this unthinkable slaughter," said Dake Thimblesatch, a local reporter for CBS. "Oh wait-- I'm just now hearing that the shooter was transgender. Never mind then! False alarm, everybody!"
Sources say news organizations are trying to do a better job of getting details of terrible crimes before they send out news crews in order to avoid wasting time on crimes that don't serve their narrative.
At publishing time, news crews rushed back to the scene once again after new details revealed the illegal immigrant, Trump-supporting, trans shooter was also a climate change denier.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: