IRAN — In a sign of total and absolute victory, President Trump announced that he had secured the reopening of the vital Strait of Hormuz, which was open before the war that Trump started in Iran.
The Strait of Hormuz is the vital waterway on Iran's doorstep that is used for shipping approximately 30% of the world's oil. The transit corridor for oil tankers was completely open before the war Trump started, but was then shut down tightly as a result of the war. However, Trump has triumphantly announced that things are back to exactly the way they were before the whole thing started.
"Folks, I just secured a huge victory for the American people in the very big reopening of this very important strait," announced President Trump. "People call it a strait, but if you look on a map it has a big curve to it, it's not really very ‘straight' at all. Maybe we should be calling it the ‘Crazy Curve' or the ‘Big Bend of Hormuz'? Am I right folks?"
"Anyways," continued Trump. "No one believed that we could open the Strait so easily. Everything is going to be so peaceful and prosperous like you wouldn't believe, all thanks to me. The Strait is now open the Trump way — beautifully and bigly. Nobody reopens straits better than me and nobody else could've got this done. Nobody."
"Everyone is saying so."
At publishing time, Trump had announced that in another sign of complete victory, gas prices had fallen to just 50% higher than pre-war levels.
After a slight mixup, Steve, Timpani, and Britunni end up at the Alamo instead of the Alamo Car Rental. Protestors block their way out and Timpani is going into labor!
