BEER-LAHAI-ROI — Biblical scholars have come to a unanimous conclusion that the food for which Esau sold his birthright was actually a marshmallow & Jell-O salad.
Ancient writings confirm Jacob prepared the delectable dish knowing how much everyone loved it, including his brother.
"This story makes sense now; who could resist a deliciously-fluffy green Jell-O salad?" said biblical scholar Dr. Heb Rewguy, brimming with excitement. "We scholars had always been doubtful of the old translation claiming a man would sell his entire birthright for a bit of pottage. I mean, WTF, amirite?"
Researchers also revealed a vast network of marshmallow trade routes spanning the ancient Holy Lands. This so-called "Mallow Road" bustled with travel and trade all year long, but was busiest in the weeks leading up to Israeli Thanksgiving.
At publishing time, scholars had confirmed that the manna provided by God to the Israelites was actually a cabbage & raisin Jell-O salad.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: