KNOXVILLE, TN — It's that time of year again, when astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson renews his annual tradition of going down people's chimneys to tell their kids that Santa isn't real.
According to various reports from around the world, the famously atheist author and celebrity scientist was once again on a mission this year to reach as many children as he could by clambering down their chimneys to remind them not to believe in Santa Claus.
"Santa is a mythological sociological construct of a prescientific society," Tyson told a crying, startled family. "All the presents around the bottom of your tree actually come from your parents, who probably bought them at Kohl's. Santa Claus is just a figment of an insufficiently advanced culture's imagination, which was conjured to satisfy the social need to explain the giving of gifts. Happy holidays, kids."
Eyewitnesses said that Tyson then laid a finger to the side of his nose, gave a nod, and casually walked out the family's front door.
"He seemed to take some type of sick pleasure in making people unhappy," one witness said. "You could tell in his voice that shattering the joys of regular people is something he's very passionate about. I think he also took the milk and cookies."
At publishing time, Tyson had last been seen dressed up in a red suit and hat at shopping malls around the U.S. promising kids that they'd get the presents they wanted for Christmas as long as they were good and remembered that the only things that truly exist are different types of matter and their totally random interactions.
These friendly Christian extremists have gotten out of hand.
