U.S. — What had been a joyous holiday threatened to be thrown into panic, as urgent reports began trickling in that, despite her repeated statements to the contrary over the last month, your wife actually did want something for Christmas.
While friends and family members were able to corroborate earlier reports that your wife had said on more than one occasion that you didn't need to get her anything, late-breaking news on Christmas Day confirmed that you were absolutely supposed to get her something.
"You didn't actually believe you didn't need to get her anything, did you?" asked one source close to your wife. "If so, that was a really big mistake. When she said, ‘Honey, I don't really want anything for Christmas,' what she was trying to tell you was that there was something very, very specific that she wanted for Christmas, and you were supposed to know what it was, and you should have gotten it. We all thought you were aware of this."
Though she was unavailable for comment, your wife was reportedly shocked that you did not pick up on the fact that she wanted something for Christmas when she told you she didn't want anything for Christmas. "She couldn't have been clearer," another insider said under the condition of anonymity. "The repeated statements that she didn't want you to spend any money on her should have driven home the fact that she wanted you to spend money on her."
At publishing time, sources warned that your wife's upcoming assurance that she didn't expect you to do anything special for Valentine's Day was confirmation that you were expected to do something special for Valentine's Day.
These friendly Christian extremists have gotten out of hand.
