John Bolton Says He Will Testify In Exchange For Large Bucket Of Fish
Politics · Jan 27, 2020 ·

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former National Security Adviser John Bolton now says he will testify in Trump's impeachment trial in exchange for a large bucket of fish.

Bolton emerged from the icy polar waters to say he will testify as long as Congress provides ample supplies of cod and marine mollusks.

"I will provide my testimony to the Senate, should they desire, in exchange for a nice bucket of cod, some sea cucumbers, and delicious, soft mollusks," Bolton said in a statement. "Mmmm, delicious mollusks. So soft and so yummy. A fine treat. Very fine, yes. Maybe the finest. Ah, you haven't lived until you've feasted on clams in the untamed wilds of the sea, untouched by humans, in all its savage majesty."

"Oh, to be at sea again..." Bolton looked off into the distance longingly. 

Bolton then began to grunt and bark as he drooled uncontrollably, thinking about the delicious polar foods he's had since retiring and rejoining his family of walruses in the sea.


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