HOUSTON, TX—In a rare moment of pure, unbridled rage, prosperity gospel preacher Joel Osteen "absolutely roasted" a local widow for only dropping a pair of hundred dollar bills in the offering plate at Lakewood Church this Sunday.
"Excuse me, ma'am, but what the heck do you think you're doing?" Osteen suddenly shouted from the pulpit as he spotted the poor woman rifling through her purse and giving her last bit of cash to the ushers hovering over her. "Someone isn't dwelling on positive thoughts in here, and I won't stand for it."
He continued to upbraid her for her apparent lack of faith that led to her not possessing riches in abundance, according to Lakewood attendees, who cheered Osteen on. "If you would only speak words of victory into the universe, you would have a much better financial situation. Woman, I rebuke thee!" Osteen then told her to leave so her negativity wouldn't rub off on him, though sources confirmed he asked her to leave the $200.
"I seem to have gotten a little carried away there," the preacher then said as he wiped his sweaty face off with a thousand-dollar bill. "Whoops-a-daisy! I am so sorry you all had to see that. But sometimes, the shepherd needs to protect his sheep from the wolves, like poor people who threaten my theology. Now, let's continue our talk out of the gospels about how Jesus wants us all to be incredibly wealthy."
At publishing time, sources had further confirmed that Osteen later praised a rich man who stood up and loudly announced he was giving thousands of dollars to Lakewood.