HOUSTON, TX—Prosperity gospel preacher Joel Osteen has warned the nation that it is far too soon for Christians to reopen their Bibles.
"We must continue our indefinite lockdown of the Bible," he said in a sermon Sunday. "If we open it up too soon, it could be a disaster. Just think: if people started reading their Bibles willy-nilly, they wouldn't believe what I have to say any longer. And my luxury cars aren't going to pay for themselves."
"Out of an abundance of caution, it's important that we keep our Bibles closed as long as possible."
Studies have shown that reopening the Bible can lead to sudden heart change, reduced fear and anxiety, and the destruction of every tenet of the prosperity gospel. Osteen says these effects are detrimental to Christians who simply want God to bring blessing, favor, and lots of cold, hard cash into their lives.
"We simply can't reopen God's Word any time soon."
Osteen then declared words of victory over himself and his congregation for the next twenty minutes to get the taste of the word "Bible" out of his mouth.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.