WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump has assured the nation he will leave office peacefully at the end of his eighth term in the White House.
Amid fears that Trump will not leave the White House if he loses an election, Trump said he will "absolutely" leave office once his eight terms are up.
"Some people are worried I won't leave the White House. Not true! In 2048 I will be more than happy to let the next person have a turn," he told members of the press gathered on the White House lawn. "I'll be 102 years old and very energetic. Why would I want to spend any more time in this dump? I'll be ready to retire then."
When asked what he would do with the rest of his life, Trump got introspective. "It's hard to say. Very hard to say. Maybe I'll greet people at Walmart. I'm great with people, and I love those little yellow stickers they hand out. Very nice stickers. Or maybe I'll open up some bowling alleys. There never seem to be enough bowling alleys. You go to a town and you're like, 'Hey, let's go bowling,' and there's maybe one bowling alley, and it's run down and 20 miles away. Not good. Yeah, that's probably what I'll do."
The press immediately published hundreds of stories on the fascist roots of bowling.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.