NEW YORK, NY—On a talk show Monday evening, Joe Biden promised his followers he would eradicate all disease, pain, suffering, and that he would even vanquish death itself.
During a heated Democratic primary in which candidates have been tripping over themselves to offer their followers more and more outlandish promises and just straight-up cash, Biden made the promise to stand out and hopefully cinch the nomination.
"While my fellow candidates think they can cure cancer, the common cold, or smallpox, I myself will go one step further," he said, the audience of the late-night show on the edge of their seats. "I promise, here and now, to give everyone who votes for me abundant life, and life everlasting. For my yoke is easy, and my taxes are---well, they're gonna be pretty heavy. But still."
The crowd began screaming in joy, with several audience members fainting. Biden personally walked through the crowd and massaged several fainted women back to life.
"There will be no more debt, no more death, no more pain, for the former things will have passed away," he said tenderly as he took his seat once again. "I will wipe every tear from their eyes."
"There will be sorrow no more."