COSTA MESA, CA - A local church family that has never once volunteered to help out in any capacity is constantly complaining about their church's lack of programs, an exasperated pastor confirmed Tuesday.

The family fills out comment cards asking for more fun events, more classes in the children's ministry, more potlucks, more outreaches, and more fellowship nights, though they weren't willing to lift a finger to help out in any of these areas, according to sources within the congregation.

"Why don't we have more youth and children's programs?" asked the mother, though she's never once volunteered to lead them. "If this keeps up, we're gonna have to go to the megachurch down the road. Enough is enough."

"Someone should really step up and take our young men on a camping trip. They need to learn what it means to be a real man," said the father. "Not me, of course. Lord, here I am. Send someone else."

The pastor met with them this week and said he'd be willing to start up a new fellowship night on Wednesday evenings. "Are you guys up to host it?" he asked.

The couple stormed away in a huff.