LAND OF UZ — According to sources, local man Job is experiencing unspeakable suffering, having been stricken with painful boils after losing his house, his children, and all his possessions. Fortunately, his three friends — Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite — paid him a visit this morning and offered to cheer him up with a song on the recorder.
"Behold, thy soul is downcast, and thy spirit grieved," began Eliphaz. "Surely you will cheer up after I play my somewhat competent recorder rendition of 'Hot Crossed Buns!'"
Witnesses say Job cringed mightily as his three friends then took turns playing their best versions of "Old MacDonald", "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star," and "Ode to Joy" on the small plastic recorders they had saved from grade school.
"It is better for me to die than to live," said Job at the end of the performance, much to his friends' disappointment.
At publishing time, Zophar the Naamathite offered to switch things up and lift Job's spirits with an epic tuba solo.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.