U.S. — The historic leader in primetime cable ratings Fox News was dominated last night by an unemployed man filming a selfie video in his partially-finished basement.
"This guy chatting for a few minutes in his underwear and a blazer just completely blew Fox News out of the water," said Nielsen executive Roger Millican. "It was a ratings bloodbath."
The unemployed man reportedly posted the basement selfie video on Twitter around 7 p.m., and by 7:02 p.m. had gained more viewers than the entire Fox News primetime lineup. "We got demolished," said a Fox News producer, on condition of anonymity. "Our viewers abandoned us in droves to watch a video labeled 'Good evening', which was just this dude jawing in his basement. We're in trouble."
Panic quickly spread among the top brass at Fox News, as executive producers brainstormed how to win back viewers. "More gold coin ads? No, we already tried that. Think, Bob, think!" said Fox News VP Bob Randall. "Is it physically possible to add any more 'Breaking News' graphics? No? How about making the necklines lower on all the female anchors' dresses? This is hard!!"
At publishing time, the unemployed man had reportedly crushed Fox News primetime ratings once again, this time with a video of himself silently making a ham sandwich.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
