COLUMBIA, SC — In a bid to draw large corporate interests to conduct business in South Carolina and bring tens of thousands of jobs to the state, former governor and U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley has informed Emperor Palpatine that South Carolina is the ideal location to build a new Death Star.
"Making South Carolina the new seat of the Galactic Empire would be a real coup for our state," Haley said in an appearance on Fox News. "South Carolina is a wonderful place to conduct business while you crush rebellions throughout the galaxy. I would urge Emperor Palpatine to consider all the hardworking men and women of our state who could play a vital role in building imperial warships, not to mention an entire generation of South Carolina children who are ripe to be brainwashed to serve the Empire in the future. It's a win-win!"
Haley, an outspoken critic of both Donald Trump and Ron DeSantis, is eager to show how great an ally she can be to enormous corporate entities who stand against freedom and actively work to corrupt young children with poisonous ideas. "I stand for conservatism and freedom," Haley said confidently. "That's why I'm in favor of enticing powerful corporate powers that seek to normalize dangerous ideologies and oppression of free speech to set up shop in my home state. Think of all the jobs the Empire could create here!"
At publishing time, as Haley was awaiting a response from Emperor Palpatine, she was quietly working on her backup plan to persuade the Dark Lord Sauron to relocate his operations from Mount Doom in Mordor to South Carolina.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
