VATICAN — In a historic announcement, the Catholic Church has officially granted sainthood to Bandit Heeler, father of the titular character on the popular animated program Bluey. Bandit is both the first dog as well as the first animated fictional character to be granted sainthood.
"Bandit is one of the greatest examples of our Heavenly Father," said Vatican spokesperson Matteo Bruni. "Though sainthood is typically only granted when someone has died, the fact that Bandit is a fictional character gave us the loophole we needed to make this move. Pope Francis is a huge Bluey fan himself, so he was quite eager to make this proclamation."
Bluey, an Australian program created specifically to be loved by parents and occasionally enjoyed by children, still stands as the finest depiction of fatherhood ever shown on screen, with Bandit achieving levels of greatness as a dad that mere human beings can only hope to emulate. "Sainthood was really the only option," said Mark Coleridge, Archbishop of Brisbane. "We've all marveled at Bandit for so many years, he just walks so far above all of us. We'd be sinning if we didn't make him a saint, quite frankly."
Bandit took the announcement in stride. "I'm just doing the best I can," he said. "I've got a wonderful wife, a couple of amazing kids, and I'm really enjoying my life. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go be an amazing dad in every way."
At publishing time, the Catholic Church was reportedly in talks to canonize every episode of Bluey and commission a marble statue of Bandit to be placed at the entrance to the Vatican.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
