Jesus's Leftist Tears Tumbler Uncovered Near Nazareth

NAZARETH—In an exciting discovery, archaeologists have uncovered Jesus of Nazareth's official Leftist Tears tumbler.

Whenever Jesus got thirsty, he would take a big swig from his official Leftist Tears mug before continuing to preach about owning the libs. The Messiah would drink water, coffee, or even Monster energy drinks out of it when he really needed to energize before destroying libs with facts and logic.

"We already found his Republican Party membership card, of course, so we suspected the Leftist Tears mug wasn't too far away," one researcher at the dig site said. "Sure enough, we widened our search area, and there it was: the Leftist Tears tumbler the Son of Man himself drank out of daily. Seems like he was a big fan of American values, and as such, he hated the libs."

At publishing time, researchers had also confirmed the unearthing of Jesus's smartphone, with thousands of Ben Shapiro videos in his YouTube watch history.

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee

After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.

Get FREE Access

*with premium subscription to The Babylon Bee

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.