MOUNT OF BEATITUDES - Local Rabbi and Son of God Jesus of Nazareth gave a fiery sermon where He singled out legalistic religious people and called people to a higher understanding of God's law and holiness. The multitudes gathered praised the sermon, saying it would go down as "one of the best in history," though many found their pride wounded and their consciences convicted of their sin and complacency.
But right in the middle of His message, according to attendees, Jesus paused for thirty seconds to deliver an ad read for patriotically themed emergency food supply buckets.
"Coming up, I'm going to tell you how to pray, but first: are you ready for economic collapse? Check out Liberty Food Supply today!" Christ reportedly preached during the soon-to-be historic message. "With a wide variety of flavors to choose from, a guaranteed five-year shelf life, and, of course, full kosher certification, you can survive the apocalypse the Democrats are unleashing upon our nation with their insane policies!"
"When you use coupon code MESSIAH, you'll save 30 percent on your first shipment!" He added.
After the ad break was over, Jesus continued: "This, then, is how you should pray..." though halfway through the prayer there was an ad read for Policy Genius.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
