TALLAHASSEE, FL - Local Florida second-grader Brad Smulders is heartbroken in the wake of Florida passing a new parental rights bill, as he will now have to wait until 4th grade to receive his state-endorsed trans indoctrination and grooming.
"Math and reading are boooring!" he complained. "I want to learn about the gender unicorn and hear stories read by that fun old man in the dress who dances sings and teaches us naughty words and shows us how to put on makeup while sitting on his lap! Waaaaaa!"
Many education experts worry that starting gender indoctrination at age 9 may be too late to confuse young children and encourage promiscuity in order to get them into the Planned Parenthood sales pipeline. "What DeSantis has done in Florida is horrific," said one school superintendent. "Gen Z currently has a 40% LGBTQ rate and we were hoping to get that up to 75% in the next decade. DeSantis is a Nazi party-pooper!"
Republicans in the state have assured special interest groups that kids will qualify for perverse sexual grooming starting in 4th grade, which allows plenty of time for the indoctrination. They then all went out to a fancy dinner and congratulated themselves for their ability to compromise.
According to sources, however, DeSantis is already working on legislation to ban radical gender theory for grades 4-12 as well. Terrible!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
