PORTLAND, OR — A leading New Testament scholar working at Unified Unity Divinity School has published a paper criticizing Jesus for a lack of diversity among the apostles He chose in the gospel accounts.
The woman, Dr. Diana T. Manger, pointed out that Jesus only chose Jewish males, refusing to implement diversity quotas for his group of disciples.
"Jesus chose all Jewish, cisgendered, able-bodied males: white supremacy, much?" she said as she presented her paper before a group of progressive scholars who had promised not to disagree with her. "It's obvious that Jesus was a nationalistic, xenophobic, hate-filled fearmonger."
Dr. Manger suggested that Jesus should have chosen more women, more transgender disciples, a disciple in a wheelchair, and at least one woman who is 1/1024th Native American. "The sickeningly homogenous group of disciples should have looked more like the Burger King Kid's Club," she said to applause.
"It really hurts Jesus's witness that he did not enforce 21st-century diversity quotas on his disciples," she said.
Manger has called for a ban on all Bible reading until the Lord agrees to revise history to conform to her standards.