SAN FRANCISCO, CA—An extensive study revealed that the majority of liberals define the term "alt-right" as meaning anybody who is politically to the right of Joseph Stalin. The study involved thousands of hours of focus-testing, surveying, and reaction-based observational studies on liberals from all over urban centers and liberal hotspots across the United States.
The term "alt-right" came into heavy use during the 2016 presidential election but has caused confusion. All kinds of people, from members of the Ku Klux Klan to liberal Democrats who happen to have a conservative friend, have been labeled "alt-right." Some have guessed that the term simply means someone who listens to Pearl Jam while reading books on free-market economics by authors like Thomas Sowell. Others have found no difference between the term "alt-right" and other labels commonly used by leftists such as "Nazi" and "bigot."
Seeking to clarify what liberals mean when they use the term "alt-right," experts began the arduous task of interviewing thousands of members of the political left.
In one test, the subjects were shown a series of photographs of individuals of varying political leanings. The images included Ben Shapiro, Bill Cosby, Martha Stewart, Chris Pratt, Marlon Brando, Telly from Sesame Street, Ernest P. Worrell, Jordan B. Peterson, Guile from Street Fighter 2, Rachel Maddow, Colonel Sanders, and Alf. This test proved to be the most helpful as every single photograph was unanimously labeled "alt-right" by the test subject. That is, all of them except for one: Communist revolutionary and leader of the Soviet Union Joseph Stalin. For Stalin, most subjects responded, "That's some person who did some stuff. I'm sure he's fine."
The rigorous testing sent many of the test subjects into an out-of-control frenzy, unable to snap out of an endless loop of repeatedly shouting, "That's alt-right!" One report recorded a man who ran around the building bellowing, "That's alt-right! And he's alt-right! And those things on the wall are alt-right! And the clouds look alt-right! And that lady and her dog are both alt-right!" The man soon began foaming at the mouth and was hospitalized.