JERUSALEM — Sources close to the Son of God report that Jesus Christ has just called upon his followers to eat Fillet-o-Fish sandwiches for 40 days in order to prepare for his crucifixion.
According to Peter, who used to be a fisherman, Jesus of Nazareth expressed a desire for his disciples to prepare their hearts for his upcoming suffering in death through works of charity, repentance, and only eating only Filet-o-Fish sandwiches.
"But what I received from the Lord, that I also delivered to you all," Peter told a crowd of other disciples. "That we should all be prepared for the lifting-up of the Son of Man, who will be delivered over to the scribes and Pharisees. Mostly, this is going to happen by us eating fish sandwiches, though. Don't ask me — take it up with the big guy."
According to Jesus of Nazareth, the dietary restriction measure is a good and salutary penitential measure, because fillet-o-fish sandwiches are really gross, which helps in the repentance process.
"It's also like when Jesus went out and fasted from all food for forty days," said Simon the Zealot. "Because the terrible taste of fillet-o-fish makes you remember how awful your sins are in God's sight, and the horribleness of eating the sandwiches makes you wish that you were not eating anything at all."
At publishing time, Jesus had also oddly instructed his followers to abstain from coffee creamer for that length of time as well.
The Founding Fathers didn't always agree behind closed doors.
