WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Select Committee to Investigate the January 6th Attack on the United States Capitol™ may have stopped broadcasting on prime-time television, but sources reveal the committee is alive and well behind closed doors with an audience of stuffed animals and action figures they arranged in chairs.
"The committee holds hearings almost daily," explained a congressional aide while adjusting a Cabbage Patch doll on a leather chair. "I have to rearrange the seats constantly to reflect a 'living' audience. Rep Kinzinger is adamant that the proceedings appear as realistic as possible."
According to sources, witnesses are often called to testify before the committee. Stuffed orangutans are often used to represent members of the Trump family. The committee has also seen fit to subpoena members of the elite G.I. Joe corps for a military perspective.
Rep Adam Schiff threw his voice to make it appear as if a plastic sailor known only as "Shipwreck" was critical of former President Trump. "The president told our forces to stand down and stand by while the Capitol Building was assaulted by racists," Rep Adam Schiff said while pantomiming speech with the Shipwreck action figure. "It's undeniable that he a committed treason and should be hanged!"
At publishing time, Rep Liz Cheney regretted that her term will soon end on January 3rd, 2023. "We have so much fun," she said while making two unicorn stuffed animals kiss.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
