WASHINGTON, D.C. - The January 6 Committee has called its first star witness of the night, Jimmy Kimmel. The universally beloved, extremely talented comedian is expected to share a heartwrenching testimony, shedding new light on how yucky and terrible Donald Trump is for trying to overthrow the most fair election in history and insurrect the Capitol and put kids in cages. Democrat leaders are urging all Americans to watch the blockbuster testimony, get extremely angry, and donate lots of money to their reelection campaigns.

Kimmel will be followed by testimony from Keith Olbermann. 

Should you get your kid the new iPhone 14? Of course.