U.S. — According to sources, college students have illegally occupied public spaces across the country to protest what they believe is Israel's illegal occupation of Palestine.
"We must end this illegal occupation now!" said one freshman student while illegally occupying the college green and refusing to leave under any circumstances whatsoever. "If there's one thing I know, it's that people shouldn't do illegal stuff. That's written in the law somewhere. And Israel's occupation of Palestine is totally illegal. My queer studies professor told me so."
"Free Ukraine! Um, I mean, free Palestine or whatever!"
In support of the cause, students have promised to gather illegally and take illegal drugs with illegal immigrants while illegally threatening Jewish students and chasing them off campus. They have promised to stay in place until police arrest them or they get kinda hungry and want a sub from the campus cafe.
At publishing time, protesters had threatened that if their demands were not met, they would start sneaking into dorm rooms and taking hostages.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
