President Joe Biden made significant changes to Title IX last week, expanding the definition of the word "woman" to an emoji of someone shrugging followed by a pride flag. There were other changes, however, that flew under the radar.
The Babylon Bee has compiled the following comprehensive list of Title IX changes imposed by the Biden administration:
- Every women's bathroom must now have glitter dispensers for drag queens: It's always important to freshen up with new glitter after a trip to the restroom.
- Breastfeeding in public is outlawed as it may make trans women feel inadequate: Making the men pretending to be women feel more comfortable is always the top priority.
- Free testicular cancer screenings for all women's athletic programs: It's a little-known fact that men make up 100% of the testicular cancer cases in women's sports.
- Maximum beard length standards for women's sports: Player safety takes a hit when athletes are tripping over their long, dwarf-like beards.
- Women's sports will get 22% more funding now that men can play: Being willing to embrace change can sometimes pay off!
- All teams must have at least one designated gross pervert: Expect long lines at the tryouts to fill the DGP positions.
- Ladies' rooms must now have an equal number of toilets and urinals: No discrimination against dudes in the ladies' room will be tolerated.
- All women's teams will be required to have at least one real woman: It's antiquated, yes, but tradition must be upheld.
Don't worry, many of these changes will be completely unnoticeable…as long as you don't notice half of the incoming freshmen on the teams being 6'5" with deep voices and full beards.
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.