TEHRAN—Immediately after President Trump's announcement on Twitter that he had pre-selected fifty-two targets in Iran for destruction, including sites important to Iran's people and ancient culture, Iran's top leaders and generals vowed that they would retaliate in kind as soon as they could figure out what a rapidly declining culture that no longer values its own history or religious heritage still holds dear.
"We will send our futuristic missiles straight into your Walmarts and your Dairy Queens and your McDonalds, so help us, Allah. Death to America!" announced Iran's Supreme Leader Of The Islamic Revolution Ali Khamenei.
President Trump had angered the leaders of Iran with a tweet earlier in the day in which he announced that any retaliation, any strike against Americans or American assets, over the drone strike which killed Iran's number two man and top general Qassem Soleimani in Baghdad would be met with swift strikes on Iran itself, not only threatening military targets but also just calm, serene places beloved by the Iranian people for their history and beauty.
Iran's leaders debated for hours about what targets to select.
"What about their palaces, their statues, their ancient buildings dating back a thousand years?" one military strategist reportedly suggested only to discover that Americans had nothing that old and what they did have dating back to the time of America's founding was deemed racist or a symbol of white supremacy nowadays.
President of Iran, Hassan Rouhani finally announced through state media, "We have pre-selected 52 Burger Kings in sites all across the Great Satan America that will be hit hard and fast should your President Trump even attempt to touch any one of our ancient cultural works of art and history. We are very proud of our traditions, our religion, our institutions, and the many, many World Heritage Sites as designated by UNESCO. I myself love to visit these ancient palaces, temples, caves, gardens, mountains, and cities to learn about our great past. Our civilization dates back to the sixth century BCE in your calendar. That anyone in the West would threaten these sites over, well, anything, is barbaric."