SEATTLE, WA — After another disastrous trip to the salon, local introvert Sam Johnson has resigned himself to a lifetime of awful haircuts.
"No, no, bowl cuts are great," said Mr. Johnson to his hairdresser as he surveyed the damage. "Definitely what I was going for, that early Jim Carrey look. Thanks so much."
After being asked by several strangers if he had mange, Mr. Johnson put on a ball cap until his girlfriend made him take it off. "She said I should go straight back to Great Clips and ask them to fix it, the mere thought of which sent me spiraling into a panic attack," said Mr. Johnson. "I would literally jump out a window if I even had to hear someone ask for their haircut to be fixed. Besides, it will look fine in a couple months when the bare spots fill back in."
Over the past years, Mr. Johnson has kindly thanked hairdressers for a variety of appalling haircuts. "The worst episode was when the girl accidentally cut my neck with the razor," said Mr. Johnson. "I just kept apologizing over and over for bleeding everywhere, and then I ran out of the salon in embarrassment. Of course when I was getting stitched up at the ER, I realized I forgot to pay for my haircut. So I went back later to pay and left her a huge tip for my causing such a scene."
At publishing time, despite being allergic to shellfish, Mr. Johnson had eaten an entire plate of shrimp after the waitress got his order wrong and he didn't want to make her feel bad. He was reportedly still apologizing profusely to the waitress as he went into anaphylactic shock.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.