PHOENIX, AZ — Local Uber driver Michael Skinner set a new record today, waiting nearly a tenth of a second before telling his passenger that Uber isn't his main job.
"Are you Sarah?" asked Michael as he pulled up to the airport. "Great, well you can put your bag in the trunk and just so you know, this is totally not my real job. I run a butcher shop that caters exclusively to dogs, but I'm just doing a little driving here and there until my business takes off."
Despite Sarah attempting to bury her face in her phone, Mr. Skinner remained undeterred from spending the next half hour explaining at high volume the travails of opening a butcher shop for dogs. "It's called 'Bark 4 Bacon', and so far most of what we do is show up to PetsMart with strips of bacon, but that's how you've got to start, you know?" explained Mr. Skinner. "It's just such a competitive market to break into. There's already the 'Woof Gang Puck Meatery', and those guys over there are super cutthroat."
Though Sarah was impressed with how long Mr. Skinner waited to tell her about his "real job", she rated the rest of the Uber ride as slightly below average. "He really had the Tejano music blaring, despite being ultra-white," she reported. "And while the over-powering car freshener smell has become standard, he went with a noxious cinnamon scent that stayed on my clothes for days. Two out of five stars."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
