BURBANK, CA - The brilliant and courageous writers at DC Comics have announced that Superman is now gay, and his pronouns are they/them as he is also non-binary. Now, instead of Kryptonite, he will be rendered completely powerless by anyone who addresses him using the wrong pronouns.
"I'll finally defeat Superman! He's such a liberal snowflake!" says right-wing transphobe Lex Luthor to reporters in the latest issue.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cries gay Superman in response as he withers to the ground in shrieks of agony. "I'm non-binary! It should be 'THEY is such a snowflake!' EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Writers confirmed that gay Superman will gay-save the world and gay-stop hate crimes with his gay superpowers. He will be completely impervious to Kryptonite but will be powerless against right-wing talk show hosts and trans-exclusionary radical feminist authors. First and foremost, he will be very, very gay.
"We are so proud to break new ground with this stunning, brave, totally expected, and culturally fashionable change to the Superman character," said writer Tom Taylor. "We look forward to selling dozens and dozens of copies."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
