WASHINGTON, D.C. - With catastrophic labor shortages and port congestion bringing America's supply chain to its knees, many are wondering if Transportation Secretary and new mother Pete Buttigieg will ever go back to work and address the problem.
"I would totally come back to work," said Buttigieg as he held his new baby, "but I need to take my paternity leave followed by several more months of maternity leave. Plus, as the twins' mother, I drew the short straw and got breastfeeding duty! These babies are keeping me up all hours of the night to breastfeed!"
Buttigieg also cited his need for extended bed rest following a difficult labor. "It really did a number on me," he said. "I'm still so tired and hormonal, and those varicose veins and stretch marks! So many stretch marks!"
Sources later confirmed the varicose veins and stretch marks were unrelated to the new babies.
The Buttigieg's confirmed they are supplementing with infant formula since breastfeeding has proven difficult. "We thought there might have been a problem when the babies started losing a ton of weight. Thankfully, our house servant María told us about baby formula which really helps!"
Buttigieg has suggested in the meantime that port authorities employ the help of Theodore Tugboat and get some bigger choo-choo trains to help clear the supply chain backlog.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: